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How To Quit Your Job

Quitting your job is tricky for a few reasons: there’s the social aspect of leaving a place where you’ve built up friendships, the financial angle of needing to support yourself, and the hope that the whole thing goes down smoothly so you don’t burn any bridges on your way out. I recently put in my two weeks and pretty much nailed it, so I thought I’d give a step-by-step breakdown to aid those who are doing something similar.

Step 1: Secure yourself financially.

A near universal piece of advice when quitting your job is to make sure you have something else lined up before you leave. You hear this time and time again from friends, family, and coworkers, and it really does seem like sound advice, especially when you live in the recently crowned most expensive city in the world. But that’s not what your impulsive author did, nor is it what he’s going to tell you to do.

What you do is read an article Tuesday morning about surrendering yourself to life and trusting the moment. Sit down and try to get in tune with how you feel, and come to the conclusion that it’s time for you to leave your job. Go to your manager and put in your two weeks without any sort of concrete plan for what you’re going to do after.

Step 2: Have a mild panic attack.

Go home after work and berate yourself for your unbelievable stupidity. The key here is to stress yourself out until you have a headache. If you don’t have a headache, then you’re doing it wrong.

You’ll have worked yourself up into such a frenzy that by night time you’ll need to drink some ZzzQuill in order to pass out.

For those who’ve never had ZzzQuill, it’s like lean for suburban white people.

Step 3: The following day, speak with a well-respected director at work.

It’s essential that this person has a piercing analysis and can slice through any bullshit you’ve built up about your situation. You want to become so rattled after this conversation that you go to a nearby park, sit on a bench, and stare at the ground for an hour and a half while you re-evaluate every decision you’ve ever made in your life.

Only stop this concentrated introspection when a crazy homeless man in the park starts yelling at you, and you worry that you may soon be shouting at the sky with him if you don’t stop thinking yourself in circles.

Step 4: Stress, Stress, Stress.

I can’t stress this enough – stress is critical. Numerous studies have lauded the many health benefits of stress: lower immune function, higher blood pressure and cholesterol, lower life expectancy…the list goes on.

So go home that night, revamp your resume, and then stress yourself silly. Afterwards, treat yourself with a little ZzzQuill nightcap.

Step 5: Accept your fate, then half-jokingly try to get your job back, then really accept your fate.

Wake up the next morning and talk yourself through your situation. You have money saved up, some decent work experience, a good network of friends in the city – you’ll figure something out.

Then go to work and have the best sales call you’ve ever had so that doubt starts seeping back in. Did you make the right decision? Could you have made this work? Then meet with your manager to discuss next steps at work and say, “I mean, I’m pretty much past the point of no return, right (nervous chuckle)?”
Manager: “Yes.”

Step 6: Watch Amy Winehouse documentary.

Become particularly moved by a Tony Bennet Quote at the end, “Life teaches you how to live it, if you live long enough.”

Realize that not everything has to make perfect sense right now. You’re still alive, and things have a way of working out if you put the effort in.

Also realize that you may have developed a slight ZzzQuill dependency.

Step 7: Find work doing something you actually enjoy.

By a confluence of fortunate events, get some work writing and directing comedy sketches.

Regain faith in the universe, print out a picture of Tony Bennet, and worship him as your new God.

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